My Wonderful/Horrible Life

(One of the other mothers of M.I.S.S posted this which expresses how I feel too)                                                                                             Dear God, Please help me. I’m lying on the cold, wet ground, holding on for dear life to my son’s wrists. You see, he is falling off a “cliff” and if he falls, he will die. I’m getting tired, and he’s getting heavier. I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on. Even though my arms ache, I’ve got to hold him up. I’ve always been the strong one, but am I trying to “play God”? That’s your role, God, not mine. It seems hard for me to trust that you can take better care of him than I. I heard I should “Let Go and Let God”, and I really want to try, but I’m afraid You may not catch him and let him die. I’m so cold and weary. I’m losing ground and getting weaker by the minute. Oh, why won’t I let go? I seem to want everything in “contract form”. Yet, if I don’t let go, eventually we’ll BOTH fall and DIE. Why do I think I’m so powerful….that I can do it alone and handle everything? I know I’m wasting a lot of time and energy by hanging on. There is so much I could be doing. I feel drained, and all my energy is concentrated on pulling him up. I have no goals for me…no future. I haven’t laughed or played in a long, long time. I know I would have tremendous freedom if I would only let go. Freedom to be my own person, and take time for and care for myself. Someone told me to “have Faith”. I’ve got to have faith, because I know I can no longer hold on. I found temporary relief by switching arms and giving one a rest, but I know that letting go is the permanent solution I’m looking for. I’m getting desperate. I’m a mess—dirty, exhausted, and a nervous wreck. How can I take care of someone else when I can’t even take care of myself? My way doesn’t work. I can’t do it any longer. Deep inside God, I know You can take better care of him than I can. You will watch him, won’t You? I think I know what powerless means now, and my life is certainly unmanageable. I realize I’m not able to control the world around me. I know You know what’s best for me and my loved ones, and You love me just as I am, with all my faults. I need to accept help from others. I don’t have to do it alone. Striving for honesty, openness, and willingness, I know I can make it. I surrender right this minute, making a decision to turn my will and my son over to Your care, as I understand You. I pray for the knowledge of Your Will for me, and the power to carry that out. May Thy Will be done, not mine. With a sigh of relief, I now LET GO! THANK GOD! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now my feelings.    My anxiety and racing thoughts are always here. I run, I hide, I give it to God, I take it back, I live, I'm Happy, I'm grateful, I keep busy, I stay in bed, I'm all over the place. I have so many different masks to put on, it's unbelievable. Don't feel sorry, or worry, about me. I don't want anyone's pity. So why do I write about it? I want people to stop and think before they are quick to judge others. I have said that for years. I want the justice system to consider all the life's they affect. They are flawed humans. Just because they have a law degree doesn't make them God. There are many criminals that do not deserve the sentence they got. The guy that stole a $200 bicycle does not belong in prison for 2 years. Do you realize how many stolen bikes there are in America? Can you imagine if we put all those people in prison for 2 years? I just want people to look at our prison system differently. I just want the punishment to fit the crime. Some deserve to be executed and thrown away forever, but some do not. Reconsider your vote when you hear about 'Prison Sentencing Reform'. Read the bill. We're not talking about violent crimes. We are talking about petty crimes, robbers, embezzler, drug addicts, etc. People that can and WANT to be rehabilitated. We should be putting money into helping them, instead of dehumanizing them, and the GUARDS that do the dehumanizing. Build and house them in Rehabilitation Centers, and hire professional counselors and people that what to help others. Many of the incarcerated are mental patients, that with medical treatment can be stabilized and productive members of society. (like me) Some of the things I have done, could have put me in jail. I should, according to the law, be in jail. What you think of that? How do like me now? Are you afraid of me? Go ahead, Pick up your stone, and throw it at me and my son, and many other sons and daughters in jail.