It is so surreal.
I haven't touched David since 'they' jerked him & me out of the car, in the middle of intersection, and threw us both down, with our faces smashed on the hot June asphalt, with red & blue lights flashing all around, 15 or more guns pointing at us, a crowd of people gathering around taking pictures, handcuffed us, and stuffed us in separate cars.
Could that of really happened?
It's been 3+ years.
I'm still not sure how to process my feelings. I guess it falls under the category of "Grief".
I kinda know what to expect when grieving the loss of my grand parents, friend, father, pet.
But, this. this is.... ???
I can hear my son's voice on the end of the phone. I can see him on a video tv. I even saw him like a 3-D vision, live, in a court room, 10 feet away from me, and couldn't reach out, and hold him.
Is that really possible? Why not just one hug? That's not even humane is it?
If he had physically died ,they would have let me hold him. 'They' would have let me run my fingers through his beautiful red hair.
How can 'they' torture a mother and a son like this?
I don't want to hear there's still hope. I don't want to hear God has a plan. I don't want to hear you still can appeal. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT TODAY!
I just want my son back. I just want to go camping and swimming, and to the movies, and family parties, and vacations. I just want to laugh and joke, and help him go to school, or work, or whatever his goals are. I just want a day without heartache and worry that he's in a cell alone. That he's not being hurt. That he can see the moon and the stars. The sunshine and the rain.
ONE DAY! ONE DAY!
Today. At this moment, the PAIN is deep, and unbearable. Today, I will cry, until my eyes swell shut, until my nose runs dry, until I can't even breath.
Until I can't stand up.
I will FEEL a "FEELING" that I hope none of you ever have to feel as a mother, or a father.
He's Gone, Yet he's Here.
4 comments:
today, just for a moment,
I stopped movin'
I wish I could take some of your pain, but it is not mine, it is yours and I must respect that reality.
However, know that I love you and will support you as much as possible.
I am so sorry.
I feel so helpless.
Such a sad post.
It's very understandable how you feel. It's painful to read.
I don't know what to say.
It's okay to cry.
This has been a hard day, a day for you to grieve. You have done every thing that you could this past month. David saw you here for him and he knows you love him. I love him and you too. God will be with him and we must continue to pray for him. We can all help David by sending letters, cards, books etc. We will not forget him. I'll ask that our family also keep in touch with him.
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