I should have been....

I should have been an actress.  Or maybe, a bipolar, or multiple personalities, or ptsd survivor?
I should of.........could of........... would of.........
What can I offer you today?  What do you need to see today?  Who do you need me to be?

I think most days I appear to be happy, in control, and lead a productive, happy normal life.  But, if you're looking for someone who has a lot of faults, I'm the girl for you.  After you know what lies just under the surface, you are going to feel sooo much better about your life.  You can use me as a 'reference point' and thank God you don't have a mental illness.  That unseen, unnoticed cancer/disability that others really can't  relate to.  I have such a wonderful/horrible life.  I continue to find happiness and sadness.  Strength and weakness.  What have I learned on this journey?  Depending on the day I have learned how astoundingly strong I am, and yet, some days I can't get out of bed.  I've learned I can make life and death decisions in split seconds, but am overwhelmed when deciding whether to eat a cookie or candy bar. I can travel across the United States alone, but can't find the grocery store 3 miles away. I can be given letters of accommodation for outstanding nursing care and serve on the nurses retention and recruitment committee.  And I can spend the night in jail and see the judge in the morning to figure out what to do with me. From college graduate, to homeless. From love to unlovable.